The 4:00 AM Siege

Why "Me First" is the only way to survive the dark.

On grey days, the voice in my head doesn’t whisper; it drones. It tells me to stop. Stop the poems. Stop the commitment. Give up. It’s the voice of the Martyr, trying to convince me that ‘I am ME first’ was just a phase I outgrew. That putting on my oxygen mask first is selfish. He wants me to believe this (my commitment to write a love poem a day for a year) is no longer necessary. I claimed the Sovereign Wolf. Mission accomplished.

But caregiving isn’t a mission you ‘accomplish.’ It’s a siege.

The hardest battle happens at 4:00 AM, in that blurred space between dreaming and waking, where the darkness tries to convince me I’ve disappeared. In the quiet of the still sleeping house, to claim my peace and calm, I must wake up and physically reclaim my own name.

I am not a shadow. I am not a medical assistant. I am a woman who writes.

I am ME first. A caregiver second.

The ‘Critter’ in my mind wants me to believe that holding onto myself is a betrayal.

I say No.

Saying ‘no’ is the only way I stay alive while the sun stays hidden.

Moon-Sized Craters
by Louise Gallagher

4:00 AM. 
Darkness drones. 
Light escapes.

My mind 
a map of 
moon-sized craters 
hollowed out 
to erase 
my name.

No 
way 
to stay
alive 
but to scream 
my name.

I am ME first. 
A caregiver second.